I Don't Wanna Fight

December 2020

8 months into the global pandemic. After months of struggle and our manager watching us suffer, I exploded during a meeting. "Well maybe, you need to jump in and help us. You're a nurse! You're just sitting there watching us suffer. You go home, sleep soundly, you leave us here. WE. ARE. DROWNING!"

2 weeks later, on a Monday (I know right?), fired. I was an RN fired during Covid.

January 2021

Dear Manny,

Happy New Year!

Hope this letter finds you not connected to a vent on an isolation unit. It's wild out there ain't it sis? Whew! Anyway, your benefits have ended and those little ADHD & Depression pills you were taking? Yeah, those are no longer covered due a "change" in your employment status (I heard). But there is Cobra for $800 a month I guess.

Good luck girl! And don't fuck it up!

Love,

Your Favorite Former Insurance Company

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear * INSERT EXTREMELY LATINO GOVERNMENT NAME HERE *,

Baby girl we need to talk. Guess what? Miss Unemployment? Not happening. And that appeal? She DIED. She's DEAD. Dad's DEAD. He sends her regards (this is a Roseanne joke).

Love,

Washington State Employment Security Department (but not yours)

February 2021

I could not leave our bed. I was being pulled into the darkest of black holes. The gravity was inescapable. I went from being numb to feeling ALL of my feelings, my ancestors feelings, and your mommas feelings (sorry I had to). My boyfriend Steve would bring me food. He would tell me he loved me. He would kiss me on the forehead. It was like it was happening to another person in VR. I saw him. I knew him. I loved him. But it was like looking through a periscope. He would go to work. I would just lay there. Detoxing from whatever the fuck was in those pills that kept me numb and trying not to walk into the Puget Sound. I missed the numbness.

He would come home and continue taking care of me. He loved me through it all. Even when I felt I did not deserve it.

“Your problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness.” ― Ram Dass

March 2021

Spring is coming...I think? I see light peeking though the bedroom blackout curtains. The rain seemed to have chilled out. So much of those months were black. I hadn't really left the house in 3.5 months. Whole parts of my life burned away by pain. I felt useless. I could not go back to being a nurse. No, not that. Manny, but they are clapping for the nurses! You're needed. Maybe you can. No, I can't (I eventually did). But he cannot support us on this salary and we are running out of money. Credit cards maxed. Account empty. Collectors already calling. WTF am I going to do?

A friend who had moved to Seattle a few months before, shows up with a care package (I love you Chiki). Amongst other things, it included a little bag of mushrooms. Yeah, those kind. Added to the package by his lovely roommate. I put them away for a brighter day. I knew better than to take them in that mental state.

I ate the snacks (I was eating again).

Wait. A brighter day?! That's possible? Hmmm. Maybe.

April 2021

We ran out of money. I hadn't applied to any nursing jobs. A Twitter follower offered to vouch for me and got me a temp position as an marketing intern at a company he worked for (thank you for that Jon). I had no idea WTF I was doing but it was SOMETHING.

Around the same time, another follower I'd met at a Mexican restaurant the year before (he barely said a word that day, later telling me how nervous he was) sent me $100. He'd seen me attempting to sell some of my things online to fund our survival. Years later I reminded him of it and thanked him. He did not even remember doing it. But after becoming close friends with him since then,I get it. He just does it. No need to ask (I love you so much Michael. Thank you again. I can't wait for you to marry Steve and I).

Anyway, the pain was still there but my shuttlecraft was doing its best to reach terminal velocity and escape the black hole.

I started meditating again (I'd meditated and dabbled in Buddhism since I was teen but never truly got it). I sat with the pain. I cried. And I cried. I did not run away. I started to create space between me and my thoughts. I started listening to Ram Dass talks. A wealthy hilarious bisexual Jewish Man from Massachusetts who went off to India after searching for something that was missing despite having it all. He has been a psychologist at Harvard and was a pioneer in psychedelics along with people like Tim Leary. And most importantly of all, the curanderas of South America who knew of this medicine. Ram Dass became a guru for me. He made me laugh while teaching me dharma. I fell asleep nightly listening to his talks. I was laughing again.

I made a playlist. Inspired by Meredith and Christina from Grey's Anatomy (IYKYK). Music is how I've soothed myself over the years. Singing at the top of my lungs and getting it all out is a powerful antidepressant for me. The first 2 songs that I added were "2 Be Loved (Am I Ready)" by Lizzo and of course "Break My Soul" by Beyoncé. They were the only 2 songs for a while. I'd put them on repeat. They became mantras.

I'd wake up, have my coffee, put on my headphones, and I'd hit play. I danced until the sweat was pooled on the floor and my pajamas were soaked. I danced until the tears stopped flowing. Then, I'd log on for work.

"You won't break my soul. You won't break my soul. You won't break my soul." ― Beyoncé

Warp 10

Remember those mushrooms I told you about a few hundred words ago? I was ready. Steve and I cleaned the apartment (set and setting is important people!). We lit candles. Put on relaxing music. I made them into tea. We sipped. Gave Taylor our cat many scritches. She is the best girl. We started to feel tickles in our brains. The multicolored lights began to pulse a little. The walls breathed.

We laid in bed. Galaxy lights on the ceiling. We held hands. We watched the stars in awe. Told each other how much we loved each other. I looked over and he had his eyes closed. On his own journey.

I closed mine. Tell me what you need to tell me. I don't think I deserve it. But please, help me. I let go of the edge of the cliff.

The thing that identified as Manny dissolved. I was the universe. The universe was me? I slipped further. The space behind my eyelids grew infinite. Even now years later, I still cannot explain a lot of it. Time ceased to exist. I felt an unconditional love. I felt the universe embrace me. It did not speak. But I understood it. I was home.

It felt like what I had read in Buddhist texts through the years. The place inside us where we are all the same. Some people describe it as god noticing itself. For me, it was pure love. The type of love that does not care what you've done, who you were, and does not care if you deserve it or not. It just...Is. It told me to put down the weed for the first time. That I did not need it anymore (a message future trips would repeat).

I felt a mother's love.

Mother?! Mami! OMG mami. La extraño tanto. I'd left New Jersey. I left HER. I need to apologize right now. I need to tell her I love her. I need to thank her for everything she has done for me.

I ran to the bathroom, closed the door, called her from Facetime from the bathroom floor (the carpet was comfy and still breathing. No one tells you that shrooms make you wanna pee for some reason). It was 2 AM in NJ. She answered. She was up watching TV. Maybe worried about me. I told her what I'd taken earlier. She did her worried mom "cuidao papito" and "be careful". I assured her I was safe and asked her to listen for a minute. She sat up and listened.

I told her how much I loved her. And that I was so sorry for leaving. That I was in so much pain living in New York. That I ran away. We cried together. She told me she had been hurt but that she understood. I asked her to forgive me and she of course did.

Like most mothers do despite their kids being assholes.

I Don't Want to Fight

We eventually both landed back in "reality" but still in a bliss state. I was a person again and could function but time was...still not a thing.

We put on headphones. After listening to some instrumental music (my beloved Tycho mostly), my brain was ready to hear vocals again. I put on Tina Turner. If you know me, you know she is my ultimate of the Divas. She was one of the people who made me interested in Buddhism as a teen (Thank you Ms. Tina. Thank you for your wisdom. Thank you for your example of living authentically and being free).

The song "I Don't Want to Fight" started. It hit me hard. I rocked back and forth and sang (I've been doing this to sooth myself since I was a kid). The tears started flowing. This time, tears of joy.

There's a pale moon in the sky

The kind you make your wishes on

Oh, like the light in your eyes

The one I built my dreams upon

It's not there any longer

Something happened somewhere and we both know why

But me, I'm getting stronger

We must stop pretending, I can't live this life

I don't care who's wrong or right

I don't really wanna fight no more

(Too much talking, babe)

Let's sleep on it tonight

I don't really wanna fight no more

This is time for letting go

...

Oh, baby, don't you know?

No, I don't wanna hurt no more

(Too much talking, babe)

Don't care now who's to blame

I don't really wanna fight no more

(Tired of all these games)

I don't care who's wrong or right

I don't really wanna fight no more

(It's time, I'm walking, babe)

So let's sleep on it tonight

I don't really wanna fight no more

This is time for letting go

No, I don't wanna hurt no more

(Too much, hey baby)

Don't care now who's to blame

I don't really wanna fight no more

'Cause this is time for letting go

Let it go, let it go, let it go

I remember soaking Steve's chest with my tears as he held me and I rocked and sang out loud. I remember giving up. Those people that did not show up for me when you needed them most? They were just doing their best. Give that anger up. I gave it up then and there. Look at the angels who did. The weird guilt I had for sticking up for myself at work? Gone. What was I even fighting? Why? I had everything I needed all along. I wasn't missing a fucking thing. And neither are you reader.

To Infinity and Beyond

It's January 2026. It's taken me this long to get this "on paper". I think I needed to make sure the landing stuck. Buddhism and other schools of thought have said that sometimes you have to lose it all for it to click. And I did. Or at least I thought I did. But it "clicked" and here I am. And the work continues.

I started growing my own mushrooms in that time as both a hobby and to continue healing. I do not take them recreationally. I do not supply them to people (people have asked and I almost always no). They are a medicine. I put my love into them as I grow them. And they continue to return that love. I mostly micro-dose now and rarely take full doses.

As Ram Dass said about psychedelics/drugs in many talks, "When you get the message. hang up the phone."

I'm still struggling to hang up the phone with weed. I'm on my 2nd time attempting to quit. Weed is not addictive for everyone. But it is for me. I used it as a crutch for years to help me through pain. Mostly to avoid it. It worked, until it didn't. So gonna try to hang up the call. I hope the bitch stops calling collect though. The calls are too expensive and the rent is too damn high.

I've continued meditating. I'm no monk and don't need to be one. I curse like a sailor, love sex, food, cool tech. I go weeks and sometimes months without sitting. But every time I do sit, I go back "home".

I still fall asleep to Ram Dass tapes almost nightly (Check out the Ram Dass 24/7 Lofi Channel if curious. Not everything will resonate but you will laugh yourself to sleep. He was funny as hell). Be Here Now and all of his books sit in on my living room shelf. Pages worn from re-reading. Wisdom that continues to help me navigate the world and grow as a human. He was not a perfect person and I don't have to be either. He's become a guru for me. I post his quotes on social media often. Reminders. Usually something I needed to hear and that maybe someone else needs to hear. Like the words, "I Love you".

Reader, I want to tell you that I love you. I love the part of you behind words that is the same as me. I love that you exist. I am so happy to be here and I am so happy you are here too. We are so lucky that we've been given the opportunity to exist. To embrace the 10,000 horrible visions and the 10,000 beautiful ones too. Because we have to do both. How else can we truly appreciate the good in our lives if we cling only to the good? Where is the fun is that? I get that now. Your path may look very different form mine but I hope you find it.

On that note, I will leave you with one last Ram Dass quote. It's important because it's how I want to live my life for whatever time I have remaining on this beautiful planet we share.

“I'm not interested in being a "lover." I'm interested in only being love.” ― Ram Dass

Love, Manny.